could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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