I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
