its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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