My sheets look like a crime scene.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
