im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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