woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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