We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
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our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
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Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize