Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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