census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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