Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
