Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just pee around me
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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