I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
