just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
