brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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