god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
