Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
vagina is talking i cant
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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