At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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