not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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