In the future we'll all be gay
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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