my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
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I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
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It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.