If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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