you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
