i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
