we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
