what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
