ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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