Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize