no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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