There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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