i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
