I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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