dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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