The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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