Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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