A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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