why didn't you poke me back
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
