shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
