a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
