Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
