I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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