I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
