Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
