so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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