You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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