The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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