OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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