I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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