I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
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If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
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Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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