did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
