apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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