glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
