the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Randomize
