I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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