Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
