I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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