omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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