i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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